You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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