If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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