You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
