my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
