Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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