Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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