I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
