you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
