Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I am mentally ready for anal.
Dear god my vagina.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
