i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
