We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
