Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
