Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
