I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
