Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
