i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Who died my cat blue again?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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