i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
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