i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
