those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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