I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
