I faked an abortion last night.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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