I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
