The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
