I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
