i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
