Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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