Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize