sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize