do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
