sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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