I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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