Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
