glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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