My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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