Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
