hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
