What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
