Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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