I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
