I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
