I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
