I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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