dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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