so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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