i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
