And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
