I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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