you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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