We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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