So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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