meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
