I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
