i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
