The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
