when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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