he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
