In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
