Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
