I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
