he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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